When your’e wet, in the middle of nowhere and you haven’t seen a single soul for hours. You sometimes have to ask yourself “What’s the point in all of this?”. Is there really a point in travelling the whole country on a motorcycle spending your hard earned money without knowing what exactly you are going to get back?
I go back to those moments from time to time, especially when I’m feeling down, tired and seemingly unable to find time to continue this project. I question my actions and my time spent on No Barriers Just Horizons. It’s been years now since I started this project. I have spent countless hours trying to write, edit, build and maintain the project. But for what? When I could easily just have spent all those hours on something else that can generate income.
A couple of weeks ago the website went down, I have forgotten to pay the hosting fee which is 4,000 php. I didn’t put it back up immediately, instead I waited a couple of weeks. I had to think about it, if making the site live again is really the right option to take. Then I remembered all the stories that I have written, I have no back-ups of those. I felt that it would be a waste to just leave it there. So I opted to pay the 4,000 php to get it back, copy all of the posts so I can store them somewhere safe and accessible.
When I get into something it’s always all in or nothing. When I did the PH tour, everything I had was in that motorcycle. I had no savings, no insurance and was in debt. In an event of an accident, I have accepted that everything would end there. That’s why it is hard for me to see this project not progressing as much as I had hoped. I feel like I haven’t given it my all and that means I should just end it.
I have thought of quitting at different moments during that 2 month ride, but for some reason I carried on. I pushed through even though I was not sure what was in store for me on the other side. Why? I think it has to do with “owning” something. I think deep down inside we all want to “own” something. Something that we can shout to the world “I fucking did it… all of it.” I did not do this because of work, an audience, an advocacy or from some external pressure. I just wanted to create an experience for myself that I created, saw through and accomplished.
I work in the creative field. It’s pretty much impossible to call something your own, it’s always a collaboration. More times that not you are creating something for someone else’s vision. It’s alway driven by an outside force, might be a market demand, a boss, a client or a director. You do have an imprint but most often than not it disappears from the grand scheme of things.
The same drive to “own” an experience during the PH tour is the same drive that I’m currently going back to. No Barriers Just Horizons is something that I can proudly say my own. I created it and I have to see it through… but for how long? I don’t think I can answer that yet. For now, I think the most sustainable approach is to let the project flow organically and see where it goes.